Shadows
by Andra Marie Mueller
Summary: The events of Nemesis have reopened old wounds for Chakotay.


"Shadows"  
  
by Andra Marie Mueller  
  
"I wish it were as easy to stop hating as it was to start."  
  
-Chakotay of Dorvan, "Nemesis"  
  
On the Bridge, Janeway was in the midst of a casual conversation with Tuvok when she received a page from her Chief Engineer. "Torres to Captain Janeway."  
  
"Go ahead, Lieutenant."  
  
"Captain, is Commander Chakotay with you?"  
  
"No, I haven't seen him since his shift ended. Is there a problem?"  
  
"I'm not sure. He was supposed to meet me for a game of hoverball over half an hour ago, but he never showed up and he's not answering my page."  
  
Janeway exchanged surprised looks with Tuvok before responding. "I'll take care of it, B'Elanna. Janeway out." Addressing the computer, she instructed, "Computer, locate Commander Chakotay."  
  
"Commander Chakotay is in the observation lounge."  
  
Janeway headed for the turbolift. "Mister Tuvok, you have the bridge. I'll be in the observation lounge if anyone needs me."  
  
"Aye, Captain." ************************************************** Inside the darkened observation lounge, Chakotay stood by the window, staring silently out at the stars as their light illuminated his pensive expression. His unwitting participation in the Vori/Craydin clash had caused old memories to resurface, and none of them were pleasant.  
  
Time is supposed to heal all wounds, he mused bitterly, yet I keep managing to find ways to pour salt into mine.  
  
The soft swoosh of opening doors signaled the arrival of an unexpected visitor, and Chakotay greeted the new arrival without turning around. "Good evening, Captain. If I'd known you were coming, I'd have baked a cake."  
  
Janeway permitted herself a small smile as she walked over to stand beside him. "Be careful about making promises you can't keep, Commander. Considering how well you cook, I may assign you to take over Neelix's kitchen."  
  
"I think I'll stick to my day job," Chakotay returned dryly. "Thinking about the Vori?" Janeway prompted.  
  
Chakotay managed a faint smile, and afforded her a sideways glance. "Am I that obvious?"  
  
"Only to me," Janeway allowed. "And I know that you wouldn't miss a game of hoverball unless you had something important on your mind."  
  
"I was wondering what brought you here. I assume B'Elanna paged you?"  
  
"She was worried about you, Chakotay," Janeway responded softly, placing a hand on his arm as she met his gaze. "I'm worried about you."  
  
"I appreciate the sentiment, Captain, but I'm fine."  
  
Janeway smiled. "It's a good thing you don't play poker, Commander, because you lie as poorly as Harry does," she chided. "Talk to me, Chakotay. Let me help you work through this."  
  
"Thank you for the offer, Kathryn, but you've got enough to deal with without having to hold my hand."  
  
Chakotay's remark was meant figuratively, but Janeway nonetheless took a step closer to him and slid her hand into his. "Your heart can't heal if you keep your feelings hidden like some deep, dark secret, Chakotay. Talk to me."  
  
The first officer let out a small sigh. "It's not just about what happened with the Vori, Kathryn. It's about the shadows on my soul left over from my time with the Maquis: the hatred, the rage, the fear. Each time I think I've finally come to terms with my past, something happens to darken those shadows, and I feel myself losing the peace I've gained."  
  
"Even if the `something' in question never really happened?"  
  
"Whether or not I actually experienced those events doesn't erase what they made me feel, and it doesn't erase the memories the Clash resurrected. Whoever said that time heals all wounds neglected to mention it leaves scars."  
  
The mention of scars triggered a memory in Janeway's brain, of a day on New Earth when Chakotay had bruised his ribs during a hiking trip, and, in order to attend to his injuries, Janeway had made him remove his shirt. To her shock, the bronze skin across his back had been covered with dozens of small scars, the majority of which were no more than two inches in length, but which had obviously resulted from stab wounds. At the time, with their newly developing friendship on such shaky ground, Janeway had chosen not to ask how he had obtained them. Yet, given the unintentional opening Chakotay had provided her, the captain decided to at last broach the subject. "Scars such as the ones on your back?" she prompted.  
  
The XO shot her a surprised glance, then nodded in mute confirmation. "I get the impression that those were left by something more substantial." She shifted position to place herself in front of Chakotay. "Cardassians?"  
  
"Just one," Chakotay amended evenly. "He didn't appreciate my interference when I tried to prevent him from raping my sister."  
  
The matter-of-fact tone in his voice belied the import of Chakotay's revelation, and Janeway felt her heart constrict. "Tell me what happened," she requested.  
  
"Kathryn..."  
  
"Please, Chakotay."  
  
Chakotay held her gaze for a long while before starting his story.  
  
"On my last day on Dorvan V, the Cardassians launched a surprise attack on my village, and anyone who was in striking distance was killed or taken prisoner. My youngest sister, Tara, spotted the gul beating one of the children, and she made the mistake of trying to stop him."  
  
Chakotay paused a moment, the recollection obviously taking a toll. At his side, Janeway felt a sense of foreboding settle like ice in her stomach, but nevertheless gave Chakotay's hand a reassuring squeeze. He flashed her a ghost of a smile before continuing.  
  
"After killing the little boy, the gul grabbed Tara and dragged her into the house. When I heard her scream, I ran inside and attacked the gul. Unfortunately, I barely got inside before one of his cronies clubbed me with his phaser rifle. It didn't knock me out, but it was a strong enough blow to ensure that I couldn't get back up. They tied me to what was left of the doorway, then forced me to watch as they took turns raping Tara. Once they'd finished, the gul took a large dagger from his boot and slit her throat. It was still covered in her blood when he started carving pieces out of my back."  
  
Janeway's heart and stomach lurched at the mental picture, and she briefly closed her eyes as if to ward off the image. "Why didn't he just kill you?"  
  
"Less entertainment value."  
  
The commander's wry response broke the captain's fragile hold on her self- control, and tears began to stream down her face.  
  
"Kathryn...please, don't..." Chakotay pleaded, and lifted his free hand to wipe away her tears.  
  
"I don't understand how you can be so glib about it," Janeway muttered thickly. "No one should have to go through what you did."  
  
"It was war, Kathryn," Chakotay reminded her quietly. Then, in a voice laden with a mixture of guilt and grief, he added, "I was luckier than most; I lived."  
  
At what cost? Janeway pondered quietly, but kept the thought to herself.  
  
Chakotay shifted his attention back to the passing stars, his expression one of reserved anguish. "I don't remember much after that," he continued evenly. "I assume I passed out from the pain and loss of blood, and when I woke up I was in the Dorvan Medical Center. The doctors said it would be at least a month before my back healed enough to remove the scars, but I told them not to bother."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"There didn't seem to be much point. Removing the scars wouldn't erase the shadows on my soul from watching Tara murdered, and I wanted a physical reminder of what the Federation's treaty with Cardassia had cost me. My hatred was the fuel that kept me going while I was with the Maquis, and my anger over my sister's death became her legacy to me."  
  
"Yet even after all those years of carrying that memory inside of you, you still agreed to put on a Starfleet uniform again."  
  
Chakotay shifted his gaze back to hers, his dark eyes seeming to bore a path straight to her soul. "Six weeks before we wound up in the Delta Quadrant, my Spirit Guide told me that I would meet a woman in battle who would teach me how to love again and put out the fires of anger in my soul," he revealed softly. "I decided that putting on this uniform was a small price to pay for getting my life back."  
  
Janeway managed a faint smile at his comment, momentarily overwhelmed by the revelation of what she meant to him. I had no idea how deeply he cared for me, she thought. Maybe it's time I acknowledged it goes both ways.  
  
"I do believe this is the first time I've ever seen you speechless, Captain," Chakotay teased.  
  
Janeway ignored the gibe. "Thank you," she said softly.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For being you. It is amazing to me that after everything you've been through you can still place your faith in someone who represents Starfleet."  
  
"I've placed my faith in you, Kathryn, not your professional affiliation," Chakotay corrected. "From the moment we met, something in my soul told me I could trust you, and it was right."  
  
How did I ever manage before he came into my life? Janeway wondered to herself. Aloud she said, "I assure you the feeling is mutual, Chakotay."  
  
Chakotay responded with a silent smile, and they fell into a companionable silence for several moments before the commander spoke again. "I often wonder what would happen if we miraculously managed to find a shortcut back to the Alpha Quadrant and were back in our home territory. Would the friendships we've forged and the bridges we've crossed in the Delta Quadrant hold up? Or would we all revert back to being on opposite sides of a senseless war?"  
  
"Those are rather weighty questions, Commander," Janeway remarked.  
  
"Ones which I believe you just answered by addressing me by rank instead of name," Chakotay returned pointedly.  
  
There was no accusation in his tone, only resignation, but nonetheless Janeway bristled under its implications. "That's hardly a fair assessment, Chakotay."  
  
"Maybe not," Chakotay allowed, "but can you look me in the eyes and honestly tell me that if we suddenly found a way back home, you wouldn't turn me over to Starfleet once we got there?"  
  
"It's not just a matter of what I would or wouldn't do, Chakotay. I took an oath when I became a Starfleet officer to uphold the laws of the Federation, and I have a duty to fulfill that oath."  
  
"What about your duty to your conscience?" Chakotay countered. "Kathryn, in the three years we've been in this quadrant you've come to know me better than anyone ever has. Do you think I'm the traitor Starfleet believes me to be?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then I'll ask you again, not as your first officer or an ex-Maquis, but as your friend: if we suddenly found a way back home, would you turn me over to Starfleet once we got there?"  
  
Dark brown met dark blue as their gazes met and held for several minutes while Janeway considered his question, having asked it of herself many times over the past several months. I've already told him I don't consider him to be a traitor, she mused silently. And caring about him as I do on a personal level, could I really sacrifice him to Starfleet?  
  
The captain's conflicting thoughts flickered across her refined features before she at last made her decision, answering Chakotay's question as well as her own with a simple, "No."  
  
Chakotay smiled. "That's what I was hoping you'd say."  
  
"Did you really think I would answer any other way?"  
  
"No. I guess I just needed to hear you say so."  
  
Janeway returned his smile, then changed the subject. "Well, if you're through brooding, Commander, I have an appointment with some personnel reports, and you have an appointment for a game of hoverball with our Chief Engineer."  
  
"I have a better idea. Why don't we let B'Elanna and the personnel reports take care of themselves, and I'll treat you to dinner. Consider it a thank- you for putting up with a moping executive officer."  
  
"All part of the service, Chakotay."  
  
"Is that a yes?"  
  
"Only if you let me spring for dessert."  
  
"Apple pie?"  
  
"A la mode."  
  
"I'm all yours."  
  
"Yes, you are."  
  
  
  
The End 


End file.
